oh my god i have to shut the fuck up






have you ever just looked at someone and thought, my fucking god i love you. i love every goddamn ounce. i love your bones and your soul. but I’m a loser, who just doesn’t wanna lose you. i can lose fucking everything, but not you. oh god. not you. 

So very relevant

Marry your best friend. Fooling around is fun, but life gets in the way and when it gets hard, you’d wanna be married to your best friend.

— (via king-bogus)


Lorna’s Garden, Ireland, 2012 
by Robert Ellis


Lorna’s Garden, Ireland, 2012 

by Robert Ellis

Some Haikus I wrote that I later realized create somewhat of a story together..

dangling on the edge
we are nothing more than friends
afraid of the fall

desperate attempts
4am Tuesday morning
surrounded by ghosts

feet stuck where I stand
overwhelmed by yesterday
tomorrow won’t come

thank you or the drugs
now wide awake and dizzy
rising with the moon

the room is spinning
I am calling out for you
lonely addictions

a total eclipse
you disappeared with the moon
alone in the dark

it is cold in here
nobody will believe me
until I get out

my heart unfrozen
springtime and I are blooming
goodbyes and hellos


turns out the more I actually force myself to do things the more I enjoy doing things. I know this seems so simple and obvious, I don’t care. I hated doing things. I’ve been doing basically nothing for two years now. So recently, I’ve been trying. I go out and do things with my lovely supportive boyfriend, (sober, too, which is exciting.) When I have nothing else to do, I go out and walk by myself and see what happens. I had my first job interview yesterday which went flawlessly. I am entering a Haiku poetry contest in my city because I saw a poster for it when I was out walking. I also saw a poster for a 5K Walk for mental illness that’s happening next month, and am now team captain for a team I’m putting together to raise money. I’m going to make t-shirts and tell people about it and see how much we can raise. I’m also trying really hard to be the best friend that I can be, and I can already see my friends feeling the love more than ever. I’m trying to keep good and close relationships with my parents, which is going really well and helping all three of us as individuals I think. I’m eating regularly again, I’m getting more exercise, I’m writing more often, I’m waking up at an almost reasonable hour (working on it), I’m no longer getting drunk every single day, and I’m leaving my house more often than I have in a very long time. 

It doesn’t seem like much, YET, but I’m just so very happy right now with my life. I’m so grateful. I’m so proud of myself and all of my friends and family. More than anything, I’m just EXCITED. All of those things living in the future that I spent years and years dreading with all of my soul, actually make me excited now. I’m so excited to be alive and live the rest of this beautiful, confusing, fun fucking life and communicate with people and try my hardest and DO THINGS.